TOYS ARE NOT FOR CHILDREN (1972)

I like whores. Not so much in real life, but in the fictional world where I don't have to give them money in exchange for a venereal disease, I think whores are great. If movies are supposed to be about taking the viewer on a journey to see places and meet people they never would meet in the real world, then movies about prostitutes can be the ultimate adventure.

TOYS ARE NOT FOR CHILDREN is a movie about whores.

SYNOPSIS:

In the darkness of night a naked girl writhes about on her bed clutching a doll and moaning for Daddy. Kinky? Suddenly, in bursts the mother, she's disgusted. Mommy equates the daughter to her scumbag father. Sounds like Daddy was a womanizer and left everyone high and dry. Now all he does is send his daughter dolls on her birthday every year like she's still some baby. Where's Mommy's love, damn it? The daughter sobs about the grilling. Before Mommy leaves she reminds her daughter where Daddy is. CATCHPHRASE~!

Your father is with his whores.

Now we're at a toy store. The dolly humper works there. Her name is Jamie, and she comes off as real sweet and innocent.

The face of innocence.

She helps a lady pick out a toy for her kid's birthday, while a gangly coworker makes faces at her.

Is there a man behind me doing an impression of my vagina?

The lady is from the NYC, and Jamie wants to live there some day. The two get along pretty well, so the lady gives Jamie her number and tells her to stop by some time for lunch. Sometime later Jamie stops by the lady's joint. She's greeted by a guy with the sleaziest pair of sideburns I've ever seen.

Mutton chops and apple sauce.

Pearl finally shows up and welcomes Jamie into her home. This is TOYS ARE NOT FOR CHILDREN .

Now Jamie Godard's getting married to the gangly coworker, Charlie Belmond. As Jamie kisses her groom, we get cuts of her mother's mouth spitting man hating rhetoric and Jamie's dad dancing around with Jamie as a child. At their new home Charlie tries to consummate their marriage, but Jamie can't bring herself to go all the way and just wants to be with her toys. As Charlie rests on his blue balls, Jamie thinks back to the past..

Back to Pearl's, Mr. Sideburns aka Eddie can't keep his hands off Jamie. CREEP ALERT~! He slithers her to the floor and almost gives it to her, but luckily Pearl shows up back from grocery shopping. She laces into Eddie.

PEARL: ...Why don't you just knock her out and rape her?

EDDIE: Maybe next time I will.

Classy. It seems Eddie relies on Pearl to bring home the bacon. I wonder what her job is. Pearl protects Jamie from Eddie and plays a good mother hen, but then Jamie's real mother calls and demands Jamie come home. Back at home, Mommy bad mouths Pearl and chastises Jamie. Pearl knows Daddy. She sees him. Pearl's a whore. Mommy doesn't want Jamie seeing her, but Jamie refuses. So Mommy kicks her out.

Back in bed, Jamie whimpers about her flashback. Charlie wants to talk about it, but Jamie just wants to go to bed.

Later at the toy store, Charlie shines off his honeymoon to his boss and a friend of his, who wants to know all the lurid details of his new sex life. It must be said that this friend rocks the world's biggest shit eating pervert grin that I've ever seen. He enters the scene with the grin. He leaves the scene with the grin.

The Pervert Grin.

The boss is really happy for them, but Charlie is looking like he just got short changed in life. The boss thinks Jamie's the best because he's never met anyone who loved toys more than her. Charlie begs to differ. Just as the boss wants to know what the problem is, we cut to the problem.

At home Charlie thinks the house is a mess, and Jamie responds by regurgitating things that her mother used to say to her father. Jamie gets emotional about it, but Charlie tries to cool things down. He suggest they try to celebrate something. Jamie suggests her birthday. Apparently, it was yesterday. Charlie gets perturbed as to why he didn't know. Jamie flaunts her new doll that her dad sent her. Charlie thinks the toy infatuation is getting overboard. The fact he didn't get Jamie anything for her birthday doesn't bother her though because she doesn't want anything from Charlie anyway. OUCH~!

Flash cut: Jamie's mom doesn't want anything from Jamie's dad either. They argue as young Jamie listens on. Mommy won't give Daddy a divorce despite all of his whoring around. She slaps him a bit and kicks him out. Daddy wants to take Jamie with him because he thinks Mommy is too psycho to raise a child. The fighting cuts back and forth from young Jamie days to old Jamie days. After kicking Daddy out one last time, older Jamie cries about wanting to see him and not remembering what he looks like. Mommy tells her all her crying isn't worth it.

Back in the present, Charlie says it's not worth it too. Their relationship is practically nonexistent. Jamie doesn't respond to his allegations, so he takes off to a greasy open shirt night club to blow off some steam.

Clubbin.

At the club Charlie chats it up with some broad. He likes the actual human interaction. They end up shaking a leg on the dance floor. Everything is cool until boss man Max shows up. Max doesn't like Charlie's galavanting around. Charlie tries to explain his situation with Jamie, but gets fed up and takes off with an ex.

When Charlie finally gets back, Jamie is playing with her toys. She doesn't like him smelling like whiskey. Charlie chews her out over his blue balls and her toys. Charlie sounds just like her mother.

Next, we get the day Jamie and Charlie first met. Jamie comes into the toy store looking for a job, and Charlie is goofily riding around in a kiddie car. Charlie hires her on the spot, but he's not the boss. So Max asks her if she loves toys. She does.

Oh, you want a job? Have you ever seen a grown man naked?

Back in bed, Charlie wants to know why Jamie can't love him. Jamie doesn't want to get into it. He accuses her of being just like her mother, which leads into a montage of new mother figure Pearl complaining about Jamie's mother and her teaching Jamie how to enjoy life and be more of a looker. At lunch with Pearl, Jamie gets confirmation on Pearl being a whore who knows her father. While Pearl wants her to keep it under wraps, Jamie glows about it and gets strange looks from everyone within hearing distance. Jamie wants Pearl to set up a meeting with her and her father, but Pearl wants to protect her. Jamie doesn't get the hint that her father is a scumbag and is mighty interested in the ways of the whore.

On Jamie's next trip to Pearl's she winds up hanging out with Eddie despite Pearl not being there to protect her. Smart. Eddie creeps it up, and even warns her about hanging around him and Pearl. Jamie doesn't care, so Eddie juices her up with booze. He even warns her about his "thing" for virgins, but Jamie still doesn't care. Eddie finally does the math and ties the daddy factor into everything. After oozing all over Jamie like an octopus, Eddie bangs her, and she calls him, Daddy.

Gross.

At home with Charlie, Jamie feels like more of a woman, but Charlie doesn't notice. He's going on a business trip, like her daddy used to do. Young Jamie never liked it when her Daddy went away. Playing with her toys was her only way to deal with it.

Now Jamie's got a new short haircut, and she's showing off her new hooker threads to Eddie. Apparently now living with Pearl, she lets Pearl in on her new job. She's going to hook for Eddie now : )

Underwear not included.

Pearl tries to talk her out of it, but Jamie already knows all the rules. She knows what a john is, what a trick is, and most of all she knows to get the money first. Who knew hooking could be so easy? Pearl goes off on Eddie for turning her out and continues to plead with her to not do it, but Eddie flexes some pimp muscle, and it's a done deal.

Sometime later Charlie goes to Jamie's mother's in search of Jamie. He cares about her, and he's worried. The mom thinks all men care about is sex. She says Jamie's at a whore house, but Charlie doesn't want to believe her. Mrs. Godard goes one better and gives him Pearl's address.

Meanwhile, Jamie whores about with a creepy older john that she calls, Daddy. They play blindfolded games with Jamie running around in her underwear. HOT~! All the while Jamie thinks back on her time with her father as a child. NOT HOT~!

Kink.

Charlie confronts Pearl at her place. He wants Jamie, but she's not around. Pearl tells him the truth. Jamie's a whore, and she doesn't want Charlie because she wants her father. Charlie tells Pearl to let Jamie meet her father, but Pearl knows that meeting the cold hearted bastard would ruin her. Then Jamie shows up and Pearl leaves because she's got whoring to do. Charlie tries to take Jamie away, but she refuses. Disgusted at all the sex Jamie has been having, he demands some of his own and rips open her shirt. BEWBS~! Jamie tells him to get a divorce. Charlie throws her into the bedroom instead. They make twenty toes.

The rape turned love making scene winds up being more of a psychological sex montage paralleling with scenes from a forrest date with Charlie and Jamie from earlier on in their relationship. The date starts out as innocent and fun until they accidentally run into some random couple boinking in the woods. From there mortified Jamie runs off to her mother, who chases off Charlie with a butcher knife.

Good times.

Post coitus Charlie tells Jamie to put some clothes on, which triggers Jamie's memory back to her childhood naked bath times with her daddy. WEIRD~! Jamie still refuses to go back home with Charlie. She has more whoring to do. Charlie leaves heartbroken. AW~!

That was my pie.

We see that when Jamie's mother kicked her out, she went straight to Charlie, which lead to their marriage.

Sometime later at Pearl's, Pearl rips on Eddie for the whole turning out Jamie thing. She wants him to cut her loose, but Eddie, who's looking more classy than usual, thinks that she's just jealous because Jamie brings in more bread. Pearl calls bullshit on that, and tries to buy him off with her body. Unfortunately, the body of an old whore isn't worth much. Eddie takes off and runs into Jamie. He warns her of Pearl's attitude. Pearl goes back and forth between chastising Jamie and wanting to be her best friend. It get's to the point where Pearl starts creeping on Jamie for some lesbian lovin', but Jamie gets grossed out. Even Pearl is sick about how Jamie dreams of her father. She kicks her out for snubbing her and in the process sets up a meeting between Jamie and her father. She calls Phil Godard and tells him to call his date for the night, "Baby." Jamie is delighted.

At the seedy hotel, Mr. Godard preps with some booze and tells the front desk to hold all of his calls for the evening. Jamie shows up beaming with joy to meet her father. Before she makes it to the room, Pearl breaks down and tries to call Mr. Godard to tell him who he's really meeting, but she can't get through because of the hold he put on his calls.

Finally they meet, and Godard calls Jamie, Baby. Jamie is under the impression that he recognizes her, but he sees her as just another whore with a Baby/ Daddy complex. After having Jamie take a whore's bath, Daddy tucks Baby into bed, but it's been a long time, and Jamie wants something more. She asks Daddy to kiss her goodnight. He goes for it. CREEPSHOW~! They don't actually show the deed, but we get treated to a flashback daddy-daughter montage of bed tucking and goodnight kisses with heavy breathing and moaning in the background.

Oh Daddy...

After the deed, Daddy is impressed by Baby's skills. Happy Jamie tells her daddy that she didn't think their first meeting would be like this. Daddy's reply: I can't think of a better way to meet : ) GAG~! Daddy even gives her a generic heart necklace from the pile he keeps in his drawer. Jamie tells him that she keeps all of his gifts and even still has the big stuffed toy soldier he got her a long time ago. That doesn't sit well with Daddy. He starts to connect the dots. Jamie tells him her name, and he doesn't want to believe. He's disgusted. He refuses to believe that she's his daughter. He rejects her over and over and calls her a tramp. The whole time making Jamie get more and more hysterical. She snaps and slaps him. "Does that make you feel clean?" asks Daddy. COLD~! She responds by shoving him out the window.

What does the broken window best represent?

a. Jamie's childhood

b. Jamie's psyche

c. Jamie's innocence

d. Jamie's hymen

The story ends with Jamie sitting against the wall buck naked and broken. Tears run down her blank face as she thinks back to her more innocent days when her toys actually were for children.

REVIEW:

Question: What happens when art house meets whore house?

Answer: TOYS ARE NOT FOR CHILDREN

TOYS ARE NOT FOR CHILDREN is probably one of the most well made pieces of sleaze I've ever seen. It rises above normal exploitation fare thanks to having a great script that focuses on non linear storytelling techniques. As such, the film is peppered with jump cutting flashbacks that constantly piece the puzzle of Jamie's damaged psyche together, and even though scenes jump around Jamie's timeline, the cuts aren't jarring, as dialogue hooks and visual cues help bleed the scenes together kindly helping to make the perfect character study of a whore.

The actors, mostly unknowns, carry the movie very well too. The strangely attractive Marcia Forbes, in her only onscreen performance as Jamie, brings such a light airy, what are you on, sense of annoying innocence to her roll of woman child that you feel for all of the other characters that have to deal with her. Harlan Cary Poe, who looks like a ginger Luke Skywalker, plays his blue balled frustration with grit and you believe his pain when Jamie ultimately dumps him. Luis Arroyo, a former MLB pitcher, oozes sleaze anytime he and his mutton chops are onscreen. Fran Warren's maniac butcher knife wielding mom is also a highlight.

The film also looks pretty damn good. The shocking thing is that this movie came from Rolph Laube, the same guy who shot THE ITALIAN STALLION aka THE PARTY AT KITTY AND STUD'S, the infamous Sylvester Stallone porno.

The score is also pretty swank with some nice electronic synth. Some of the beats sound like the stuff you could make on a ghetto Casio. Nice.

Credit also has to be given to director Stanley Brassloff for making everything gel. For how sleazy the movie is, everything in bad taste is tastefully done. The nudity wasn't over the top, and less was more in the final scene with the father. With the use of non linear storytelling and the use of characters named Jamie Godard and Charlie Belmond echoing the French New Wave names of director Jean-Luc Godard and actor Jean-Paul Belmondo, it's safe to say that either Stanley Brassloff (story credit) or Macs McAree (screenplay credit) must have been something of French film aficionados. It's a shame that we never could get another picture out of either one of these guys, as I'm curious as to who had the most influence on the story and style.

TOYS ARE NOT FOR CHILDREN will likely make you feel dirty on the inside and is best to watch before taking a shower.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED for girls with daddy issues, lovers of sleaze and whoremongers.

Available on DVD from Something Weird Video.