KICK ASS (2010)

Just about every comic geek in the world has thought about it. Growing up there's no way around it. When you're a kid and you got nothing to do, you might as well train to be a super hero. This was the life I lived from about age 10 to 12. I remember it started with me spending a whole spring break training to be a Jedi with my trusty sawed off broomstick lightsaber. (Mind you, this was during the strange era of Star Wars fandom when there was no longer any Star Wars merchandise left on the market post OT. The merchandise juggernaut that exists today didn't roll out until Lucas rereleased the trilogy in 1997.) Back then in between daily screenings of episodes 4-6, I would run around the house and force my family to throw shit at me just so I could try and deflect it with my bad ass broomstick. I was pretty good. Koosh balls, balled up pieces of paper, rubber bouncy balls from the quarter machine? Yes, all things "balls" fell at my wood, even the occasional empty beer can from my dear old dad. However, when it came to trying to move inanimate objects with my brain, objects like say the tv remote, well let's just say the force just wasn't strong with this one.

Vintage Vintage circa 1984.

What was a failed jedi to do? I was just a punk kid with no powers. Who could I be? My options were limited. It was down to the gun crazy Punisher or the rich crazy Batman. I knew I had the crazy part down, but the only gun I had in the house next to my trusty bb pistol was a honest to god shotgun that my dad kept under his bed, and at 10 it was safe to say that I hadn't really developed the appropriate bloodlust for gun toting vigilantism. Economically speaking, the Batman thing wasn't going to work either because I had a hard enough time scrounging for lost change and abandoned bills in my parents dirty laundry just so I could support my burgeoning comic book habit, so bat-a-rangs and bat-mobiles might as well have been on another planet.

I thought all was lost, but then I got caught up in this miniseries about the new Robin, who was most notable for running around in actual long tights as opposed to the original Robin's fruity green speedo.

My Kick Ass bible at age 11.

This Robin was young like me. He had no powers like me, and I'd be damned, but he kicked people's asses with a staff that looked a lot like my lightsaber broomstick! It was a match made in heaven... Now I could go on and on about my crappy adventures like the time some jerk stole my donut and my detailed plans for broomstick vengeance that never came to fruition, but that's not what this blog is about. I just wanted to give you a little personal history to help put this entry into perspective.

KICK ASS started off as miniseries for Marvel's creator-owned Icon line, a brainchild of writer, Mark Millar and artist, John Romita Jr. Mark Millar is well known for his over the top, big on action, light on character, high concept "widescreen" tales that have been shaping the Marvel Universe for the past ten years. (Suggested reading: The Ultimates, Wolverine: Old Man Logan, The Authority) John Romita Jr., who's blocky drawings tend to mesh the bold style of Jack Kirby with cinematic action of a japanese anime, is a Marvel Comics legend known for being one of the best panel to panel story tellers of all time. Though he's worked on most of Marvel's famous characters, JRJR is probably most famously associated with his work on Spider-Man, a character he holds near and dear due to his New York roots and the fact that his father, John Romita Sr., was an epic Spider-Man artist in his own right in the 60's and 70's. Carry that torch, my son.

Even though Mark Millar had already started to establish himself in Hollywood thanks to the 2008 loose adaptation of his bullet bending tale, WANTED, I was still surprised to find out that KICK ASS was scheduled to be made into a movie long before the miniseries was even close to being finished. As a matter of fact, the series lagged to push out it's 8 issues over the course of 19 months. From what I read, it sounded like JRJR was spreading himself too thin between working on the film, the comic and an arc on AMAZING SPIDER-MAN. Fortunately, the comic finished up with time enough to churn out a trade to promote in conjunction with the film.

As for the movie, KICK ASS revolves around a masturbating comic nerd/ virgin, Dave Lizewski and his pathetic turned endearing attempts at being a scuba suited, beatdown stick wielding super hero aptly named, Kick Ass. After he ends up getting stabbed while trying to prevent a car break in, Dave stumbles into the street and gets creamed by a driver. Hit and run. His body is decimated. According to his x-rays, it looked like he broke half the bones in his body. Most of which needed to be restructured with steel plates and rods, but don't worry, he's all fixed up in no time with no lengthy rehab and no lingering movement issues. Who needs to worry about the logistics of recovery from massive bone trauma, when you get to have a skeleton that practically looks like Wolverine's? It's cool though because not only does his body have steel backing, he's got so much nerve damage that he's desensitized to physical pain. Emotional pain is another story. He still has virgin nerd issues that get compounded when he subverts his manhood and pretends to be queer just so he can get close to his crush/ school fruit fly, Katie Deauxma. Way to dust off, the old fauxmo-sexual routine, Dave.

Kick assery.

Dave knows heroing is bad for his health, but he's already addicted to the rush of "patrolling". It must just beat out the rush of rubbing one out to topless african tribes women on the interweb. After saving some schmoe from a group of street toughs(baton style), a cell phone vid of Kick Ass' kick assery gets plastered all over the internet, getting millions of hits on youtube. A media sensation is born. Kick Ass' myspace friend count goes through the roof, and his new persona is all the rage at the local comic shop/ eatery/ cafe/ what the fuck? Places like that don't exist, do they??? ... Ok, I checked and apparently they do. I've just never been to one. What's next a comic shop/ bar? Or better yet a comic shop/ strip bar/ donut shop? Dare to dream.

So now thanks to Kick Ass' press others are starting to get the super hero bug. While on a mission to do a solid for his special lady friend and tell some drug dealer guy to back off of a friend of a friend, Kick Ass gets in over his head until he's saved by the dual blade-staff slicing, katana blade dicing, Hit Girl and all to the tune of the Banana Splits Theme as covered by the early LA punk band, The Dickies. Impressive. Most Impressive. Did I mention that Hit Girl is only like 11 and about as hyper violent as The Bride in the House of Blue Leaves? Take your bodies, but your limbs belong to me!!! Kick Ass can only pale in comparison, and the same goes for me.

Question: How come when I call someone a cunt, it's nasty bastard music, yet when Hit Girl calls someone a cunt, it's cute?

Answer: Fuck the world.

I can't wait to have kids.

We learn later through a cool JRJR drawn 3D comic book flashback that Hit Girl has been raised by her father, Big Daddy, to be a foul mouthed, weapon crazy sociopath. Like father like daughter, I suppose. Her mom died when she was born, and Big Daddy used to be a cop that got screwed by the mob back in the day. Vengeance will be there's! Bonding over gun facts and butterfly knife gifts, they have a nice cutesy father/daughter relationship that contrasts with their hyper violent lifestyle. Wether or not their relationship is based on Dick Cheney and his family is unknown.

I heard you were smoking real crack in BAD LT. True or false?

Big Daddy and Hit Girl end up finding out Kick Ass' secret identity rather easily by tracing his IP address and confront him at his home. I can't quite remember if they tell Kick Ass to quit or to join them. Regardless, Kick Ass knows he's out of his league, and he contemplates quitting. Nic Cage steals this scene channeling his best Adam West. I was hoping he'd keep the inflection up whenever he was in costume, but it was only used for one scene.

Now mob boss D'Amico is getting cheesed because all of this superhero noise is affecting business, and since Kick Ass is the only known hero getting press, D'Amico figures that Big Daddy and Hit Girl's blood trail is the result of Kick Ass. Ruh-roh, Shaggy.

Enter McLovin. McLovin plays the mob boss' comic geek son, who comes up with a scheme to get the drop on Kick Ass. He proposes to set himself up as the new superhero on the block, Red Mist and with the help of Myspace enter Kick Ass' good graces as a partner in spandex. Suddenly, the movie becomes a public service announcement about not befriending people you don't know on Myspace, a social networking fact of life and right of passage every net head must experience the hard way.

Over here, dip shit.

The scenes with Kick Ass and Red Mist nerding out together in costume are great. You can't help but laugh at how un-super these guys are. Red Mist can't even jump off a dumpster without looking like a goof. He also doesn't know how to smoke, but I couldn't tell if that was just bad acting on McLovin's part ie he doesn't know how to inhale smoke, or he was just doing it to play up the dork in Red Mist. I'm guessing bad acting due to McLovin being a smoking noob.

While rolling around town like rock stars in the the mist-mobile, Mist finds out that Kick Ass is just a wiener in a scuba suit and not responsible for the havoc that's been wrought on his dad's business. Around this time they roll up to a flaming warehouse that actually belongs to Mist's dad, and decide to try and save anyone who might be inside. Unfortuantely, everyone inside has already been killed through violent means. Mist still manages to save a teddy bear though.

Sweet Ass computer: $999.95

High speed internet connection: $39.95.

Watching Brazzers.com trailers with your son: Priceless

Mist takes the teddy back to his dad. Turns out it used to be the family's old nanny cam, like the ones you see on 60 Minutes. After plugging some audio/video cables into the teddy's butt, we find out that Big Daddy went on a kill crazy rampage at the warehouse. D'Amico wants blood and tells McLovin to use Kick Ass to help bring Big Daddy and Hit Girl out in the open. Mclovin doesn't think Kick Ass should be snuffed because he's just a chump, but his dad needs to make an example out of all super heros.

Dave can't handle all of the death and danger involved with being Kick Ass, and decides to keep a low profile. He's also tired of hiding his feelings from Katie and bumbles through revealing his identity and sexuality to her. Despite being betrayed and grossed out, somehow she forgives him, and the two become fuck buddies. By the time Dave gets back to checking his Myspace, he finds a flood of messages from his friend turned Myspace stalker, Red Mist. Upon meeting back up with Kick Ass, Mist relays that the mob has put a price on their heads. He suggests that they get some help from Big Daddy and Hit Girl, and Kick Ass leads the way.

Can't close mouth... Facelift too intense...

From there everything turns to shit, and the mob gets the drop on everyone with Kick Ass and Big Daddy captured and Hit Girl left for dead. A mob goon even takes off with one of Big Daddy's bazookas. Nothing is sacred.

Now the mob sets up a media event under the guise of Kick Ass announcing his retirement. Everyone tunes in to what is actually going to be an airing of two live executions. After some torture porn, the networks stop broadcasting the feed. To the internet! And just as you think everyone is going to be burned alive, the world watches as Hit Girl kills the lights, toggles on some night vision and goes first person shooter on everyone's ass. The mob still manages to light Big Daddy up, as Hit Girl races to kill everyone in sight. By the time the surviving mob runs away and the dust settles, it's too late, and Big Daddy is cooked. Before he dies, he mumbles out some love to his little girl. Vengeance will be hers.

Kick Ass and Hit Girl lick their wounds back at Hit Girl's place, which is still loaded with Big Daddy's cache of weaponry minus one bazooka. Hit Girl wants to storm the castle, and after some pussy footing, Kick Ass nuts up and decides to help out as her ace in the hole.

For the last time, they're not handlebars, so stop trying to ride me like a bicycle.

Hit Girl infiltrates D'Amico's building as a pig tailed schoolgirl. Pedophiles of the world rejoice. Then the Morricone hits. A Few Dollars More. Hit Girl personifies bad ass. Adios security. Her father has trained her well, but she's just getting warmed up. After putting on her Hit Girl gear, it's up to the penthouse. Joan Jett hits the power chords, and it's a Bad Reputation gun-fu barrage complete with a Mortal Kombat Scorpion rope spear. GET OVER HERE~! Hit Girl blasts through most of the goons, but she's running low on ammo and kitchen knives.

Bazooka goon figures it's time to test out the goods. Things look grim, but guess who pops up outside riding high wearing a jet pack fully equipped with shoulder mounted gatling guns? Kick Ass finally lives up to his namesake and wipes out the rest of the goons.

Hands off the fruit, faggot!

All that remain are D'Amico and McLovin. Red Mist and Kick Ass pair off into D'Amico's dojo. NERD FIGHT~! Both are equally inept in fighting skills. A double knock out results. Hit Girl does her best against D'Amico, but he's too big and well trained for the 11 year old. It's adavatage D'Amico, but before he can deliver the deathblow, Kick Ass punches his ticket with the bazooka in grand fashion. Victorious, Kick Ass and Hit Girl take off on the jet pack before Red Mist can do anything about it. After they land, in a bittersweet moment Kick Ass and Hit Girl reintroduce themselves to each other as Dave Lizewski and Cindy Macready. Culmination

Things wrap up with everyone retired, and Cindy shacking up with her dad's ex-partner on the force. Cindy even gets placed in Dave's school, where she immediately pwns some bullies. Red Mist closes the show with some Jack Nicholson styled sequel bait vowing revenge.

KICK ASS is a cult movie in the making and definitely a big dose of cinematic viagra for the soul. It's the ultimate fanboy fantasy come to life, a movie for comic geeks, gamers, action junkies, gore hounds and those with a healthy twisted sense of humor. Chloe Moretz's Hit Girl steals the show with her punk themed kiddie carnage. Nic Cage supports well with another classic eccentric and at times Adam West-esque performance, and Aaron Johnson out Tobey Maguires Tobey Maguire when it comes to being a schlubby everyman for nerds. Even Dave's geek friends work great at supplying some fine comic relief. Director Matthew Vaughn (LAYER CAKE) did a kick ass job, and I hope the film does well enough to see him tackle a sequel.

My only complaints, aside from the title proving that our society is inching closer and closer to the IDIOCRACY dystopian future, come from comparing the film to the book. The film definitely stands up pretty well to the book, but certain tweaks to me made the story weaker. For example, Dave Lizewski in the book is a total loser. His fauxmo-sexual plot to get close to Katie backfires. This makes his character more pathetic and at the same time sympathetic. Him getting the girl in the film was classic Hollywood retooling. I also thought that the book played up the ridicule one would get if they tried to walk around town in tights better. Kick Ass is originally thought to be some sort of pervert or rapist, as he bumbles around town in a mask looking for problems that aren't there.

You also get more of a sense that the heros are highly disturbed individuals. Kick Ass' pain desensitization has more to do with his dependency on pain pills, than nerve damage, and Big Daddy's character is absolutely psycho in that he's has no police backstory, and his wife never died. He's just another fanboy, a right wing nut job who ran off with his baby girl to start a new life killing criminals.

Kick Ass in the book is also shown to be more of an altruistic hero like Batman or Spider-Man. He's not about killing people like Hit Girl and Big Daddy. He's just about helping people in trouble. So when I saw him gun down all of the goons in the jet pack and bazooka D'Amico, I was enthralled, but also a little disappointed.

Still fanboy misgivings aside, KICK ASS is a great film that I highly recommend, and if you like the movie chances are you'll love the book, where a sequel with the lead villain, Mother Fucker, is already in the works. When it hits the theaters, I know I'll be there. Will you?