MY BEST FRIEND'S BIRTHDAY (1987)

Quentin Tarantino has my respect. I get mystified by those that don't appreciate him. Some think he's just a shameless rip off artist. Some find his shrill toned self promotion annoying. Some just get off bucking the hype, but to me, the proof is in the pudding. His first three films (RESERVOIR DOGS, PULP FICTION and JACKIE BROWN) are flawless. Great music, great dialogue, great characters, great stories. Even his flawed films (KILL BILL: over bloated genre masturbation? and DEATHPROOF: self parody on wheels?) are still better than 90 percent of the other crap that pollutes theaters these days. If anything Tarantino has what it takes to entertain, and by that I will always be interested in his cinematic wheelings and dealings.

MY BEST FRIEND'S BIRTHDAY is Tarantino's first attempt at directing. The project got started by Video Archives pal/ acting buddy Craig Hamann in 1984 and would continue on a stop and go funding basis until 1987. Craig initially wrote a short version of the story that Tarantino helped expand to be more feature length.

The story centers on two rockabilly DJ's: Mickey Burnett (Hamann) , who is on the eve of his 30th birthday and Mickey's best friend Clarence "Too Cool for School" Pool (Tarantino). Clarence wants to make sure that Mickey's dirty 30 doesn't suck a big one. When Clarence continually fails comedy ensues.

Due to some bad sound synching on early footage and a lab fire that burned most of the other footage, the project was abandoned and left incomplete. Only 36 usable minutes of the film remain.

SYNOPSIS:

KBLI

The cut opens with KBLI (K-Billy) DJ Clarence Pool interviewing Lenny Otis, who's the president of the California chapter of the Eddie Cochran fan club. Clarence dominates the conversation by going into the mystical suicidal tendencies that came to him on the day Eddie died... when he was 3. If it wasn't for an episode of The Partidge Family, Clarence would have slit his wrists in the bathtub. (I think MBFB's cinematographer turned screenwriter turned director, Roger Avery gave this suicide attempt a shout out in RULES OF ATTRACTION.)

Meanwhile in another office Clancy shows up and starts getting into his recent late night adventure at a novelty shop with another radio worker, who offers Clancy some animal crackers. "Don't eat the gorillas." Clancy's got a bag of white itching powder for Clarence because he's into gags and what not. Clancy also pulls the old garlic gum gag on the co worker. Obscenities are hurled.

Back with Clarence and Lenny, Clarence laces into a caller for trying to make a request on his show. His show. His music. High and mighty much? Clancy makes it over to the booth and trots out his baggy of white powder.

Good shit.

He offers it to Clarence, but before he can explain that it's itching powder he has to take a call. Clancy runs off to go see about a girl calling for him. Now Clarence and Lenny are left with the baggy. "Leno, uh, you're cool, right?" Clarence proceeds to cut up and snort some lines of the "tute-uncommon". Slowly Clarence starts to lose his shit on air. When Clancy finally makes it back Lenny drops the bomb that Clarence was snorting coke on air. WHOOPS~!

Spit take.

Later, Mickey Burnett arrives at his apartment to find his ex-girlfriend waiting for him. He thinks that she wants to get back together, and before she can explain herself Mickey goes on about his love for her. Unfortunately, she's not here to rekindle their relationship. She's just here to pick up her Rod Stewart tapes that she left behind. BUMMER~! Then to make matters worse, a toilet flushes and out walks her new yuppie boyfriend, Oliver. He's the kind of douche that calls people "guy" all the time.

"Hey, guy."

The ex met Oliver through acting. Apparently, he's really great, and even got the lead in the local Torrance production of GODSPELL. He's Jesus : ) Shit gets awkward after that, and Oliver and the ex bail.

Now while Johnny Cash walks the line, Clarence is chatting up some girl at a bar. He's impressed with her taste in music and invites her to this little party he's trying to throw for Mickey's birthday. He wants her to be Mickey's date for the evening, and she's down with that as long as they can agree on her price. WHORE~!

I knew there was something about you I liked.

Clarence tries to play off that he knew she was a whore. She prefers to be called a call girl though. They settle on a price, and the deal is made.

Now Ballroom Blitz plays and Clarence chats up a baker, who's hooking up a birthday cake. Clarence and the baker debate the acting merits of Elvis. Clarence goes into his TRUE ROMANCE spiel. No homo, but he'd fuck Elvis. It's pretty cool to see Tarantino deliver this spiel.

Tarantino: Gay for Elvis.

Meanwhile Misty (the call girl) shows up at Mickey's while he's taking a shower. She makes sure to bust in on him just to give him a birthday message. AWKWARD~! Now Misty nervously preps for Mickey by trying to find a good opening party line. You can't really hear what she's saying. Then some angry suited black dude bursts into the apartment and starts roughing up Misty. It's Clifford the pimp.

Back at the rockin' bakery, Clarence and the baker are still arguing about Elvis. Their interactions play well. Clarence gives the baker a poem about friendship that he wants on Mickey's cake, but it's too long.

Back at Mickey's, Mickey makes it out of the bathroom to find Misty struggling with Clifford. The pimp wants a piece of Mickey.

"Your ass is grass and I'm the lawn mower."

Then we cut to Clarence's girlfriend, Cecelia, who's chatting with her psychiatrist about her boy troubles. Turns out she's two timing her boyfriend with Clarence and wants to break it off with one of them. Clarence breaks up the conversation by calling her. "Helloooo, baaaaby." He invites Cecelia to the Mickey party he's throwing.

"Where any old thing... as long as it's nice."

Back at Mickey's, Mickey and pimp Clifford are kung fu fighting in his living room. After much flying feet, Clifford goes for the Karate Kid crane kick, but gets KO'd for being ridiculous. AWESOME~!

RIP: Pat Morita

Now Clarence is getting shut down by his special lady friend because her boyfriend Eddie is on to them. Eddie is really strong, really mean and really jealous. The Eddie intro is pretty awesome with cuts of Eddie working out and screaming. AGRESSION~!

He's really strong...

RAAAAAAHHH!!!!

Really mean...

RAAAAAAHHH!!!!

And really jealous.

AH-RABBLE RABLLE RABBLE!!!!

Clarence doesn't give a shit about Eddie though because he's pissed and when he gets pissed watch out.

Mickey's kung fu battle is still raging on with the pimp now doing a makeshift bo staff demo with a mop. AWESOME~! Mickey gets his ass handed to him.

Mop-fu.

Then we jump to Eddie leaving a threatening message on Clarence's answering machine, as Clarence arrives at his place with Misty too busy chatting about starting a rockabilly burger joint to notice the message. Clarence now looks ready to party with Misty in his movie poster decked out room.

Then Cecilia arrives at Clarence's and heads to the bathroom where Mickey is taking a shower post kung fu hustle. Ceclia thinks she's talking to Clarence and tells Mickey that she's going to leave Eddie. Once she realizes Mickey isn't Clarence, she thinks something gay must be going on, but Mickey asserts his sexuality and sends her off to find Clarence.

Ceclia then barges into Clarence's room and finds Clarence in a makeshift sheet tent with Misty. Clarence thinks Cecelia is Mickey and tells her that he's busy and he'll find someone for her later. Cecelia leaves miffed. Misty and Clarence now seem to be on some sort of a date together.

At the bar Eddie is looking for the girl with the asshole, to which the bartender says, "There's girls without assholes?" ZING~! Eddie shakes out Clarence's address from the barkeep and splits.

Now Clarence and Misty are chilling out post-coitus. While tied to the bed, Clarence wants to know what made Misty want to be a call girl. She blames it on her unfulfilling time spent working at K Mart. Clarence used to work at K Mart too in the women's shoe department. It wasn't so bad though because he has a foot fetish. Misty goes on to reveal that she was inspired to get into prostituion by Nancy Allen looking so bad ass as a whore in Brian De Palma's DRESSED TO KILL.

Inspirado.

They both love De Palma. Misty goes on to complain about her pimp and her failure at being a call girl. Clarence tries to boost her ego, and they both get cutesy on each other and kiss.

The End.

REVIEW:

MY BEST FRIEND'S BIRTHDAY is definitely bottom of the barrel Tarantino. Naturally, it's super low budget and amateur, but it's still interesting to see all the quirky Tarantino-isms before they made it big. K-Billy radio went on to be in RESERVOIR DOGS. The "don't eat the gorillas" Elvis loving Clarence and his whore call girl love interest graduated to TRUE ROMANCE. The hipper than thou radio DJ concept was revisited in DEATH PROOF with Jungle Julia. Mistaken drug identity was later used in PULP FICTION with Mia and the heroin/ coke baggy. The living room martial arts fight later got expanded on in KILL BILL. Want to know the genesis of Tarantino's foot fetish? It's fleshed out here for all to see. Even the incomplete nature of the cut gives the out of sequence vibe of DOGS and PULP. There's also the usual good music and pop cultural jibber jabber that finds it's way into all Tarantino films.

Despite MY BEST FRIEND'S BIRTHDAY's budgetary and amateur flaws by the end of the cut you're hooked enough to wish you could have seen the story completed.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED for Tarantino fans, rockabilly cats and aspiring low budget filmmakers.

Available online for free on google video. CLICK HERE AND WATCH.

BONUS:

Want to know what didn't survive the lab fire? Download the complete script here.

TOYS ARE NOT FOR CHILDREN (1972)

I like whores. Not so much in real life, but in the fictional world where I don't have to give them money in exchange for a venereal disease, I think whores are great. If movies are supposed to be about taking the viewer on a journey to see places and meet people they never would meet in the real world, then movies about prostitutes can be the ultimate adventure.

TOYS ARE NOT FOR CHILDREN is a movie about whores.

SYNOPSIS:

In the darkness of night a naked girl writhes about on her bed clutching a doll and moaning for Daddy. Kinky? Suddenly, in bursts the mother, she's disgusted. Mommy equates the daughter to her scumbag father. Sounds like Daddy was a womanizer and left everyone high and dry. Now all he does is send his daughter dolls on her birthday every year like she's still some baby. Where's Mommy's love, damn it? The daughter sobs about the grilling. Before Mommy leaves she reminds her daughter where Daddy is. CATCHPHRASE~!

Your father is with his whores.

Now we're at a toy store. The dolly humper works there. Her name is Jamie, and she comes off as real sweet and innocent.

The face of innocence.

She helps a lady pick out a toy for her kid's birthday, while a gangly coworker makes faces at her.

Is there a man behind me doing an impression of my vagina?

The lady is from the NYC, and Jamie wants to live there some day. The two get along pretty well, so the lady gives Jamie her number and tells her to stop by some time for lunch. Sometime later Jamie stops by the lady's joint. She's greeted by a guy with the sleaziest pair of sideburns I've ever seen.

Mutton chops and apple sauce.

Pearl finally shows up and welcomes Jamie into her home. This is TOYS ARE NOT FOR CHILDREN .

Now Jamie Godard's getting married to the gangly coworker, Charlie Belmond. As Jamie kisses her groom, we get cuts of her mother's mouth spitting man hating rhetoric and Jamie's dad dancing around with Jamie as a child. At their new home Charlie tries to consummate their marriage, but Jamie can't bring herself to go all the way and just wants to be with her toys. As Charlie rests on his blue balls, Jamie thinks back to the past..

Back to Pearl's, Mr. Sideburns aka Eddie can't keep his hands off Jamie. CREEP ALERT~! He slithers her to the floor and almost gives it to her, but luckily Pearl shows up back from grocery shopping. She laces into Eddie.

PEARL: ...Why don't you just knock her out and rape her?

EDDIE: Maybe next time I will.

Classy. It seems Eddie relies on Pearl to bring home the bacon. I wonder what her job is. Pearl protects Jamie from Eddie and plays a good mother hen, but then Jamie's real mother calls and demands Jamie come home. Back at home, Mommy bad mouths Pearl and chastises Jamie. Pearl knows Daddy. She sees him. Pearl's a whore. Mommy doesn't want Jamie seeing her, but Jamie refuses. So Mommy kicks her out.

Back in bed, Jamie whimpers about her flashback. Charlie wants to talk about it, but Jamie just wants to go to bed.

Later at the toy store, Charlie shines off his honeymoon to his boss and a friend of his, who wants to know all the lurid details of his new sex life. It must be said that this friend rocks the world's biggest shit eating pervert grin that I've ever seen. He enters the scene with the grin. He leaves the scene with the grin.

The Pervert Grin.

The boss is really happy for them, but Charlie is looking like he just got short changed in life. The boss thinks Jamie's the best because he's never met anyone who loved toys more than her. Charlie begs to differ. Just as the boss wants to know what the problem is, we cut to the problem.

At home Charlie thinks the house is a mess, and Jamie responds by regurgitating things that her mother used to say to her father. Jamie gets emotional about it, but Charlie tries to cool things down. He suggest they try to celebrate something. Jamie suggests her birthday. Apparently, it was yesterday. Charlie gets perturbed as to why he didn't know. Jamie flaunts her new doll that her dad sent her. Charlie thinks the toy infatuation is getting overboard. The fact he didn't get Jamie anything for her birthday doesn't bother her though because she doesn't want anything from Charlie anyway. OUCH~!

Flash cut: Jamie's mom doesn't want anything from Jamie's dad either. They argue as young Jamie listens on. Mommy won't give Daddy a divorce despite all of his whoring around. She slaps him a bit and kicks him out. Daddy wants to take Jamie with him because he thinks Mommy is too psycho to raise a child. The fighting cuts back and forth from young Jamie days to old Jamie days. After kicking Daddy out one last time, older Jamie cries about wanting to see him and not remembering what he looks like. Mommy tells her all her crying isn't worth it.

Back in the present, Charlie says it's not worth it too. Their relationship is practically nonexistent. Jamie doesn't respond to his allegations, so he takes off to a greasy open shirt night club to blow off some steam.

Clubbin.

At the club Charlie chats it up with some broad. He likes the actual human interaction. They end up shaking a leg on the dance floor. Everything is cool until boss man Max shows up. Max doesn't like Charlie's galavanting around. Charlie tries to explain his situation with Jamie, but gets fed up and takes off with an ex.

When Charlie finally gets back, Jamie is playing with her toys. She doesn't like him smelling like whiskey. Charlie chews her out over his blue balls and her toys. Charlie sounds just like her mother.

Next, we get the day Jamie and Charlie first met. Jamie comes into the toy store looking for a job, and Charlie is goofily riding around in a kiddie car. Charlie hires her on the spot, but he's not the boss. So Max asks her if she loves toys. She does.

Oh, you want a job? Have you ever seen a grown man naked?

Back in bed, Charlie wants to know why Jamie can't love him. Jamie doesn't want to get into it. He accuses her of being just like her mother, which leads into a montage of new mother figure Pearl complaining about Jamie's mother and her teaching Jamie how to enjoy life and be more of a looker. At lunch with Pearl, Jamie gets confirmation on Pearl being a whore who knows her father. While Pearl wants her to keep it under wraps, Jamie glows about it and gets strange looks from everyone within hearing distance. Jamie wants Pearl to set up a meeting with her and her father, but Pearl wants to protect her. Jamie doesn't get the hint that her father is a scumbag and is mighty interested in the ways of the whore.

On Jamie's next trip to Pearl's she winds up hanging out with Eddie despite Pearl not being there to protect her. Smart. Eddie creeps it up, and even warns her about hanging around him and Pearl. Jamie doesn't care, so Eddie juices her up with booze. He even warns her about his "thing" for virgins, but Jamie still doesn't care. Eddie finally does the math and ties the daddy factor into everything. After oozing all over Jamie like an octopus, Eddie bangs her, and she calls him, Daddy.

Gross.

At home with Charlie, Jamie feels like more of a woman, but Charlie doesn't notice. He's going on a business trip, like her daddy used to do. Young Jamie never liked it when her Daddy went away. Playing with her toys was her only way to deal with it.

Now Jamie's got a new short haircut, and she's showing off her new hooker threads to Eddie. Apparently now living with Pearl, she lets Pearl in on her new job. She's going to hook for Eddie now : )

Underwear not included.

Pearl tries to talk her out of it, but Jamie already knows all the rules. She knows what a john is, what a trick is, and most of all she knows to get the money first. Who knew hooking could be so easy? Pearl goes off on Eddie for turning her out and continues to plead with her to not do it, but Eddie flexes some pimp muscle, and it's a done deal.

Sometime later Charlie goes to Jamie's mother's in search of Jamie. He cares about her, and he's worried. The mom thinks all men care about is sex. She says Jamie's at a whore house, but Charlie doesn't want to believe her. Mrs. Godard goes one better and gives him Pearl's address.

Meanwhile, Jamie whores about with a creepy older john that she calls, Daddy. They play blindfolded games with Jamie running around in her underwear. HOT~! All the while Jamie thinks back on her time with her father as a child. NOT HOT~!

Kink.

Charlie confronts Pearl at her place. He wants Jamie, but she's not around. Pearl tells him the truth. Jamie's a whore, and she doesn't want Charlie because she wants her father. Charlie tells Pearl to let Jamie meet her father, but Pearl knows that meeting the cold hearted bastard would ruin her. Then Jamie shows up and Pearl leaves because she's got whoring to do. Charlie tries to take Jamie away, but she refuses. Disgusted at all the sex Jamie has been having, he demands some of his own and rips open her shirt. BEWBS~! Jamie tells him to get a divorce. Charlie throws her into the bedroom instead. They make twenty toes.

The rape turned love making scene winds up being more of a psychological sex montage paralleling with scenes from a forrest date with Charlie and Jamie from earlier on in their relationship. The date starts out as innocent and fun until they accidentally run into some random couple boinking in the woods. From there mortified Jamie runs off to her mother, who chases off Charlie with a butcher knife.

Good times.

Post coitus Charlie tells Jamie to put some clothes on, which triggers Jamie's memory back to her childhood naked bath times with her daddy. WEIRD~! Jamie still refuses to go back home with Charlie. She has more whoring to do. Charlie leaves heartbroken. AW~!

That was my pie.

We see that when Jamie's mother kicked her out, she went straight to Charlie, which lead to their marriage.

Sometime later at Pearl's, Pearl rips on Eddie for the whole turning out Jamie thing. She wants him to cut her loose, but Eddie, who's looking more classy than usual, thinks that she's just jealous because Jamie brings in more bread. Pearl calls bullshit on that, and tries to buy him off with her body. Unfortunately, the body of an old whore isn't worth much. Eddie takes off and runs into Jamie. He warns her of Pearl's attitude. Pearl goes back and forth between chastising Jamie and wanting to be her best friend. It get's to the point where Pearl starts creeping on Jamie for some lesbian lovin', but Jamie gets grossed out. Even Pearl is sick about how Jamie dreams of her father. She kicks her out for snubbing her and in the process sets up a meeting between Jamie and her father. She calls Phil Godard and tells him to call his date for the night, "Baby." Jamie is delighted.

At the seedy hotel, Mr. Godard preps with some booze and tells the front desk to hold all of his calls for the evening. Jamie shows up beaming with joy to meet her father. Before she makes it to the room, Pearl breaks down and tries to call Mr. Godard to tell him who he's really meeting, but she can't get through because of the hold he put on his calls.

Finally they meet, and Godard calls Jamie, Baby. Jamie is under the impression that he recognizes her, but he sees her as just another whore with a Baby/ Daddy complex. After having Jamie take a whore's bath, Daddy tucks Baby into bed, but it's been a long time, and Jamie wants something more. She asks Daddy to kiss her goodnight. He goes for it. CREEPSHOW~! They don't actually show the deed, but we get treated to a flashback daddy-daughter montage of bed tucking and goodnight kisses with heavy breathing and moaning in the background.

Oh Daddy...

After the deed, Daddy is impressed by Baby's skills. Happy Jamie tells her daddy that she didn't think their first meeting would be like this. Daddy's reply: I can't think of a better way to meet : ) GAG~! Daddy even gives her a generic heart necklace from the pile he keeps in his drawer. Jamie tells him that she keeps all of his gifts and even still has the big stuffed toy soldier he got her a long time ago. That doesn't sit well with Daddy. He starts to connect the dots. Jamie tells him her name, and he doesn't want to believe. He's disgusted. He refuses to believe that she's his daughter. He rejects her over and over and calls her a tramp. The whole time making Jamie get more and more hysterical. She snaps and slaps him. "Does that make you feel clean?" asks Daddy. COLD~! She responds by shoving him out the window.

What does the broken window best represent?

a. Jamie's childhood

b. Jamie's psyche

c. Jamie's innocence

d. Jamie's hymen

The story ends with Jamie sitting against the wall buck naked and broken. Tears run down her blank face as she thinks back to her more innocent days when her toys actually were for children.

REVIEW:

Question: What happens when art house meets whore house?

Answer: TOYS ARE NOT FOR CHILDREN

TOYS ARE NOT FOR CHILDREN is probably one of the most well made pieces of sleaze I've ever seen. It rises above normal exploitation fare thanks to having a great script that focuses on non linear storytelling techniques. As such, the film is peppered with jump cutting flashbacks that constantly piece the puzzle of Jamie's damaged psyche together, and even though scenes jump around Jamie's timeline, the cuts aren't jarring, as dialogue hooks and visual cues help bleed the scenes together kindly helping to make the perfect character study of a whore.

The actors, mostly unknowns, carry the movie very well too. The strangely attractive Marcia Forbes, in her only onscreen performance as Jamie, brings such a light airy, what are you on, sense of annoying innocence to her roll of woman child that you feel for all of the other characters that have to deal with her. Harlan Cary Poe, who looks like a ginger Luke Skywalker, plays his blue balled frustration with grit and you believe his pain when Jamie ultimately dumps him. Luis Arroyo, a former MLB pitcher, oozes sleaze anytime he and his mutton chops are onscreen. Fran Warren's maniac butcher knife wielding mom is also a highlight.

The film also looks pretty damn good. The shocking thing is that this movie came from Rolph Laube, the same guy who shot THE ITALIAN STALLION aka THE PARTY AT KITTY AND STUD'S, the infamous Sylvester Stallone porno.

The score is also pretty swank with some nice electronic synth. Some of the beats sound like the stuff you could make on a ghetto Casio. Nice.

Credit also has to be given to director Stanley Brassloff for making everything gel. For how sleazy the movie is, everything in bad taste is tastefully done. The nudity wasn't over the top, and less was more in the final scene with the father. With the use of non linear storytelling and the use of characters named Jamie Godard and Charlie Belmond echoing the French New Wave names of director Jean-Luc Godard and actor Jean-Paul Belmondo, it's safe to say that either Stanley Brassloff (story credit) or Macs McAree (screenplay credit) must have been something of French film aficionados. It's a shame that we never could get another picture out of either one of these guys, as I'm curious as to who had the most influence on the story and style.

TOYS ARE NOT FOR CHILDREN will likely make you feel dirty on the inside and is best to watch before taking a shower.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED for girls with daddy issues, lovers of sleaze and whoremongers.

Available on DVD from Something Weird Video.